Control Issues
by LKW
Summary: G1. Why is Optimus Prime acting strangely? And how strange will it get? Finally - the conclusion! Will Prime and the Autobots survive his musical rampage?
1. Frightening Encounters

One more humorous TF idea I've had in my head for a while … and yes, yet ANOTHER where Transformers singing human songs is a part of it. There's just something about the thought of certain characters, especially with their cartoon voices in mind, singing certain songs which strikes me as funny. This should be the last of 'em. Really. I think ….

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Trailbreaker walked down corridor three of the first floor of Autobot Headquarters. Reaching his destination, he rapped on the door with his gun "hand", and then, not hearing an immediate reply, pushed the panel to open it…

… And regretted it. Optimus Prime, the mighty leader of the Autobots …

… was dancing?

And … singing?

Prime was wearing an emormous pair of headphones and was facing away from the doorway. Obliviously, he continued his surprising action.

"Only when Prime dancing can Prime feel this fre-ee! At night, Prime lock the door and no one else can se-ee! Prime tired of dancing here all by Prime's se-elf! Tonight, Prime want to dance with some-one-e-lse! Get into the groove – "

The course of his performance turned Optimus Prime around to face the doorway… where he saw Trailbreaker. And Ironhide. And Hoist. And Grimlock. And Kup. And Gears. And Omega Supreme. And Ultra Magnus. And Windcharger. And Slag. And Bumblebee. And Silverbolt. And Nightbeat. And Smokescreen. And Brawn. And Topspin. And Hubcap. And Jetfire. And Hot Spot. And Slingshot. And Groove. And Splashdown. And Mr. T. And Mirage. And Outback. And Springer. And Prowl. And Sky High. And Ratchet. And Perceptor. And Jazz. And Hot Rod. And Seaspray. And Tracks. And Wheelie. And several other Autobots who'd gathered in the corridor since Prime's door had opened.

"Okay, I have GOT to stop drinking!" Splashdown exclaimed, leaving to find an Autobots Anonymous meeting.

"Um …. Er …." Optimus managed. "Aaah – greetings, my Autobots!" One had the impression that Prime's mouth would have been agape had he had one.

"Um … hello, Optimus," Trailbreaker stumbled.

"Yes … hello," a couple of other Autobots managed.

"Pansy," Slag said.

"You, uh … wanted to know when they were ready outside?" Trailbreaker continued awkwardly.

"Yes!" Prime said. He removed his headphones. "I, uh … I was just folowing the program which Jazz laid out for me."

"Say wha?" Jazz muttered in confusion.

"You know … to familiarize myself more with Earthern cultures. To increase my … 'coldness'."

"Oo yeah," Jazz said to himself. "'Coolness,' man," he said to his leader.

"Yes, of course … 'coolness'! Right, man!" Prime replied. A few Autobots winced. "I … will be there shortly! Just … let me put some things away!"

"Okay," Trailbreaker said. "You're the boss, boss." The crowd outside the Autobot leader's room began to dispurse, as Optimus Prime went into his back room …

Although a few of them stopped when they heard Prime say "What – are you doing here? No – stay back –" followed by a loud crash.

"Optimus!" Topspin called. "Are you all right?"

"That … sounded like a loud crash," Nightbeat observed.

"Yes … Tess!" Wheelie added.

"Couldn't think of a rhyme, huh?" Windcharger asked. Wheelie shrugged.

"Get outta here, you!" Ironhide said, shaking his fist at the orange and gray robot. Wheelie transformed and rolled out. "Optimus – Ah'm comin' in – "

"No!" Prime's voice came out. "No, no … I'm fine … fine, fine." Optimus walked out into the corridor. "Now, what were we doing? Doing, doing?"

"Um … are ya sure you're okay, Optimus?" Ironhide asked. "Ya seem ta have a lil' … kick in yer vocal unit. We kin git Hoist back here an' – "

"No! No, no … I said I'm fine! Fine, fine … I'm Optimus Prime! Prime, Prime … Let's go! Go, go!"

"O-KAY," Ironhide said, as the Autobots headed outdoors. Optimus Prime closed the door behind him, concealing the hole which had been dug into his room. Dug, or chewed ….

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

A not-too-long distance away, in a concealed control room:

"We've done it, Kickback, back, back!"

"Yes, Shrapnel, Shrapnel, Shrapnel!" the Insecticon in question replied.

"We've taken control of Optimus Prime, Prime, Prime!" Shrapnel continued to gloat. "And with Bombshell's cerebro shells, and our mobile command unit, unit, unit – we can make him do anything we want, want, want!"

"Yes, yes, yes!" Kickback exclaimed. "Although … you may want to back away from the microphone at the end of your sentences, sentences, sentences! So it doesn't pick up your echo, echo, echo!"

"Ah – good point, point, point!" Shrpanel smiled. "After all, we don't want the Autobots to discover that we can now control their leader like a yo-yo, yo-yo, yo-yo!"

"Yo! Yo, yo," Kickback seconded.

"Yo! Yo, yo! Yo-yo, yo-yo, yo-yo!" Bombshell exclaimed, walking into the room.

"Yo! Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo!"

"Yo-yo! Yo-yo, yo-yo, yo-yo!"

"Yo-yo, yo-yo, yo-yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo-yo, yo-yo, yo-yo …"


	2. Things Start Flying

Yeah – the next chapter already! I had the time today, and I really have had the basic plot of this humor-fic in my head for a while … Don't necessarily expect me to ever meet this speed record again, though!

Upon reviewing the one episode of the TV show with the Insecticons of which I have a copy (someday, I'll get around to buying the DVDs – at least of season one; maybe others…), I see that my memory of the Insecticons' speech patterns may have been faulty (although frankly, even Shrapnel's pattern changed within the episode (The Revenge of Bruticus), so it's not as though Sunbow was completely consistent about it). But – this is how I've thought of them speaking for many years, and it amuses me – so it's staying! There's another interpretation, at the end of this chapter, which varies from Sunbow – though not all official description of the character. If these writing choices - or my writing style in the previous chapter, as the wording choices were all deliberate - bother you – thanks for your time so far, but you may not want to spend any more of it on this piece. (I have remembered my final spell-checking this time, BTW.)

And sorry if some of this seems a little mean to some of the characters involved. It's all meant in good fun – I really do like these characters (well, most of them ;) ), and the Decepticons very well may get theirs, too, by the end. (Actually, I already know if they do or not; just trying to keep up the suspense.) Anyway, hope you all enjoy ….

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

The Autobots proceeded outside, unaware of the corruption of their noble leader.

"So, we're here for …" "Optimus Prime" began.

"The demonstration fer Wheeljack's new invention," Ironhide said, eyeing his leader with a bit of a quizzical look.

"You mean, my new BRILLIANT invention!" Wheeljack exclaimed, waving his arm proudly at a metallic contraption positioned a short distance beyond the front entrance of the Ark. The device was squareish, with a lengthy arm on top of it. Sparkplug and Spike Witwicky were making some final adjustments with their wrenches.

"Yes, it looks … like a box. Box, b-" Optimus began to say, until Shrapnel remembered to pull his mouth away from the control console's microphone.

"Yes," Wheeljack said, " - a LAUNCH box! You put armaments, or – or even scrap metal – on the arm here," he continued excitedly, pointing, "and with one push of a button – POW!"

" 'Pow'?" "Optimus" asked.

"Sounds like a flyswatter, swatter, swatter," Bombshell remarked, back in the Insecticon base.

"It launches the object up inta the air!" Wheeljack concluded excitedly.

"Um … I think the humans already invented something like that, Wheeljack," Brawn remarked.

Wheeljack looked at him.

"They called it a catapult," Brawn continued. "About a thousand years ago."

"I didn't want to hurt his feelings," Sparkplug whispered to Spike.

"About what?" Spike asked.

"Um …" Wheeljack responded. "Yeah … but – mine throws stuff REALLY far!"

"Oh," Brawn replied.

"Anyway – ready to see, Optimus?" the Autobot mad MacGiver asked, bending to grab his invention's control box.

"Hang on, Wheeljack!" Trailbreaker interjected. "I haven't got my force field fully charged yet!"

"Your – But - I thought Optimus had you watching my work because you were interested!" Wheeljack cried.

"Yeah – interested in protectin' the Ark from your doo-dads!" Trailbreaker exclaimed. Several Autobots laughed.

"But – the launch box's not even facing the Ark!" Wheeljack protested.

"So? That probably makes it MORE likely you'll hit it!" Windcharger replied.

"Rrrrr!" Wheeljack grumbled, grasping his control box. "Nothing's gonna happen!" he cried, pushing the button. "See? Nothing's … gonna …" The launch box lay unmoving. "Happen. …Huh."

"Well, THAT was interesting," Bombshell, taking a turn at the controls, had Optimus say, as he instructed the Autobot commander to turn away from the demonstration.

"No, WAIT, mighty Optimus!" Wheeljack cried, fiddling with adjustments on his gadget. "Just … one astrosecond here …."

"Hm," Optimus was forced to say. "Spike! Get on top of it there."

"Me?" Spike asked enthusiastically. "Okay. Right here?" he asked, climbing onto the center of the launch box.

"A little more to the right," "Optimus" guided. "A little more … Yes … right … there!" Prime's foot "accidentally" stepped on the cast-aside control box – specifically, on the launch button.

"YIIIIIIIIIIIII!" Spike cried, as he was suddenly launched hundreds of feet into the air.

"Well, I guess it works," "Prime" said.

"Spike!" Ironhide exclaimed.

"Not again!" Wheeljack lamented.

"What?" Sparkplug asked accusingly.

"Nothing," Wheeljack backpedaled sheepishly.

"Do not fear, my Autobots!" Optimus Prime was heard proclaiming. "I'll get him down!" His famed laser rifle in hand, the enraptured Autobot leader began shooting laser blasts at the still-flying boy.

"Prime!" Ironhide yelled. "WHUT are ya DOIN'?"

"Right. Bad idea," "Prime" said. "Windcharger! Trailbreaker! Go find the flesh creature!"

" 'Flesh creature?' " Windcharger repeated, looking at Trailbreaker.

"Err … PRECIOUS flesh creature?" Bombshell/Optimus amended.

"Well … THAT's kinda weird, too," Windcharger remarked, but he and Trailbreaker nevertheless transformed and drove after the departed Auto-ally.

"Now, my Autobots – let's return inside …" "Prime" began.

"And see what havoc we can cause in Autobot headquarters, quarters, quarters!" Shrapnel remarked to his Insecticon colleagues.

"Yeh," Ironhide said. "Then mebbe we kin git Hoist AND Ratchet ta take a lil' look at ya –"

"Ironhide," the controlled Prime said.

"Yeah, boss?" the security 'bot replied.

"I've always wondered just what your name meant," Bombshell/Optimus continued. "Let's find out!" The fist of Optimus Prime suddenly came crashing down on Ironhide's head.

"Oops!" Prime was forced to remark. "Must've slipped!"

"Ha ha ha ha ha!" the Insecticons laughed – careful to stay away from the command microphone.

"Yes!" a familiar hissing voice suddenly exclaimed from the doorway to the control chamber. "Your hand must've slipped … real far!" Starscream concluded, stepping fully into the control room.

"What's THAT supposed to mean, mean, mean?" Shrapnel asked, as the Insecticons stepped back from the controls in their surprise at the new arrival.

"It means, um – your hands slipped in taking control of Optimus Prime without permission! Yes!" Starscream proclaimed. Skywarp, Thundercracker, Ramjet, Dirge, and Thrust were now entering the room behind the Decepticon aerial commander, guns raised. "But now, that you're under proper supervision – we can control Optimus Prime!"

"Hold on, on, on!" Shrapnel protested. "This is our plan, plan, plan!"

"And MY cerebro shells which enabled us to – " Bombshell began to protest, until Skywarp grabbed him by the neck.

"Yeah – thanks!" Skywarp exclaimed. "Now WE'LL take over, see?"

"But – what about Megatron, Megatron, Megatron?" Kickback asked.

"Yeah," Thundercracker said, glancing at Starscream.

"I am in command here!" Starscream declared. "We don't need Megatron!"

As the Decepticon debate continued, the Autobots outside the Ark were busy pulling on Ironhide, who had been driven into the ground like a peg. And Optimus Prime, left idle by his enrapturers for a few moments, began to stir.

"My Autobots!" Prime cried, of his own volition. "Help –"

" - yourselves to some delicious rocks!" he was forced to conclude, as Starscream had quickly leapt to the control controls. The Autobots were pelted by a barrage of stones hurled by their commander.

"Leakin' lubricants!" Ironhide hollered, as the force of a flying rock knocked him the rest of the way free.

"OWW!" Wheeljack cried.

"Hey!" Topspin exclaimed.

"Yeow!" Bumblebee yelled.

"Mm – needs more salt," Brawn remarked, chewing.

"I think something's wrong with Optimus Prime!" Nightbeat declared.

"No kiddin'," Ironhide grumbled. "Some liquid nitrogen should cool you off!" he cried, running at his berserk leader. Starscream had Prime reply with a swift kick to Ironhide's face.

"Ha ha! Ha ha ha!" Starscream laughed. Several of his companions joined him. "And that's only the beginning, Optimus Prime! Next, we'll have you … um …." He paused for a few moments. "Uh – Skywarp! YOU have him do something!"

"Well, okay!" He walked over to the controls. "Optimus – stand on one foot!"

The Autobot leader stood on his left leg.

"Now – pat your head! And rub your grill, at the same time! While hopping!"

Optimus Prime complied.

"Wow, he really IS coordinated!" Skywarp remarked.

"Yeah!" Thundercracker agreed.

"What?" Ramjet asked. "I can do all that!" He tried, failed, and crashed into Dirge.

"Ugh," Dirge groaned.

"Wait, I have another idea!" Starscream exclaimed, shoving Skywarp aside.

Back at the Ark, the Autobots who were still conscious saw their leader … begin to punch himself in the face.

"Stop hitting yourself! Stop hitting yourself!" Starscream laughed, while actually commanding Optimus to do just the opposite. "Ha ha! With Optimus Prime in my power, I can do anything! Even … overthrow that obnoxious Megatron!"

"Oh really?" Megatron asked.

"Yes, really … just kidding, heh heh heh," Starscream amended, as he realized to whom he was speaking. "Who called him?" he asked. Thundercracker, Thrust, Shrapnel, Skywarp, and Kickback each looked away from his gaze, coughed, or otherwise behaved awkwardly. "Urg."

"And why should they NOT have called me, Starscream?" Megatron inquired, as he and Soundwave entered the increasingly crowded "secret" control room.

"Because – I was about to call you myself, Mighty Megatron!" Starscream exclaimed, stepping aside from the control console. "Look what I've done – I've ensorcelled Optimus Prime!"

"Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!" the Insecticons cried indignantly.

" 'Ensorcelled'?" Skywarp asked Thrust incredulously.

"Indeed," Megatron said, stepping to the control monitor. "And, with the leader of our arch-enemies under your power, the best thing you could think to have him do is … to hit himself in the face?"

"Well … yes."

"Foolish Starscream!" Megatron chuckled. "At long last, my eternal foe, you are under my power! Ha-ha ha-ha-ha!" he said to the monitor. "Now what shall I have you do?"

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Ten minutes later …

"Stop hitting yourself! Stop hitting yourself!" Megatron laughed, as Optimus Prime continued to pound his own face. "I must admit, Starscream – this is quite amusing!"

"Indeed!" Starscream agreed, as the Decepticons continued to laugh and/or chuckle at the monitor.

"Yes," Buzzsaw agreed in his deep, Darth Vader-esque voice, as he flew into the room. "But, by your leave, Mighty Megatron, I have an idea. Something which I have come across in my surveillance missions which might provide a more … artistic end to our foe!"

"Indeed, Buzzsaw?" Megatron asked. "Come." Buzzsaw flew onto Megatron's shoulder and summarized his plan.

"Excellent, Buzzsaw!" Megatron proclaimed. "Make your preparations! We shall proceed immediately – with the destruction of Optimus Prime! Whoity-whoity-ha-ha-ha-ha!"

To be continued!


	3. Bananas

Hello. As almost always, it's taken me a while to get the next chapter of a story up - sorry about that :( The usual "not enough time" factors, as well as having trouble finding a way to start this particular chapter. My first attempt, back in later December, didn't feel like it really worked; this month, I found my way in, and cobbled together the time to write this up. And, I found that I had more I wanted to do before starting the Decepticons' "big plan", so I ended up with too much material for only one chapter. So, here at last is the next part of the story, anyway; I wouldn't think that it would take me months to write the next, as I really do know exactly where it's going; but, with my track record, all I can guarantee is that I will finish the story eventually, as I have with all my previous ones.

By the way, I found, from reading the transcripts on Robert Jung's electric-escape(dot)net, that the song I use with Optimus Prime here was also used with Prime, briefly, in the "Mystery Science Theatring" of "Transformers: the Movie" at a couple of Botcon conventions. For the record, I had the idea of Primeand thissong months before I had ever heard of the Botcon MSTing, let alone read any transcripts. So, while the MSTing is amusing, I had my silly idea completely independent of theirs. Also, as with much of my other stuff, I do deliberately use some lines from the movie and TV cartoon, in tribute/parody. Anyway, hope anyone reading this enjoys!

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

"Ughhh …" Nightbeat's higher functions slowly came back on-line. What … happened? His head felt like it was about to fall off again …

Rocks.

Rocks? Yes … the last thing he could remember was a bunch of stones, hurled by …

Optimus Prime?

That didn't make any sense. So little, in fact, that Nightbeat said "That doesn't make any sense," out loud. He lifted his head up, allowing his optics to focus on the sight of the aforementioned Autobot leader …

Punching himself in his silver mouthplate. That … didn't make a whole lot of sense, either.

Speaking of not making sense, the addled little Autobot Wheelie was running up to Optimus.

"Hey, hazy, crazy Prime! Why pound yourself to slime?" the orange bot sing-songed.

"Silence!" Optimus boomed commandingly, grabbing Wheelie and dropkicking him.

Well … while that may have been atypical of Prime's usual management style, the action wasn't completely nonsensical.

But, then he went back to hitting himself. What was going on?

That seemed to be the same question Hot Rod was asking. The "bad boy" Autobot suddenly came skidding down the side of the dormant volcano which housed the Ark. Had he been standing on the top, yelling "I'm the King of the World!" AGAIN?

"Optimus!" Hot Rod exclaimed, leaping between … Prime's face and his fist. "Unh!" he cried, falling to one side.

"Get out of the way, Hot Rod!" Optimus exclaimed. Then, he reached down to Hot Rod. "On second thought, come here, puny Autobot!" Prime picked up Hot Rod, then sat down on a large rock, put Hot Rod over his knee, and began spanking the brash younger robot.

Again … a little unusual, but, not that unreasonable.

"Rrrr ... ragh!" Ironhide, looking like he'd been through a series of rock crushers, was pulling himself up. "Prime!" he exclaimed. "Ya need help, son! One way or t' other, ahm takin' you inside! … After ya finished doin' whatcher doin'," he added.

"How considerate, Ironhide," Prime said sneeringly (since when did Optimus Prime sneer?). "Before we go in, why don't you – take out the trash!" he cried, hurling the battered Hot Rod at Ironhide. The tough-skinned robot fell, again. "Ha ha ha ha!"

Just as Brawn drove up, in vehicle mode. "Man, Prime, you wouldn't believe how hard it is to find salt around here – especially ROCK salt! Heh heh heh! Hey!" Brawn transformed, leaving his load of rock salt on the road behind him. "What's going on here?" Brawn looked around him, apparently scanning the field of damaged and dazed Autobots.

"Just … doing a little redecorating! Ha ha ha ha!" Prime laughed, turning to face Brawn.

"Prime …" Brawn said, clenching his fist, "don't make me redecorate your face!"

"Well, I've already been working on that … but you're welcome to try, as well!" Prime declared, charging at the shorter robot.

Brawn connected first, knocking Prime back a little. "Umph!" Prime said. "Prime's slower than I thought!"

What? Nightbeat's mind asked.

"And your strength is impressive, Brawn," the bizarrely behaving Optimus continued. "But it is nothing compared to the might of Megatron!"

Megatron? Nightbeat's detective sense was tingling. Or, maybe that was just from the rocks …

"Er … which means you are a little closer to MY power, but still no match for me … Optimus Prime!" Prime continued, joining both arms together for a mighty swing which sent Brawn flying across the field.

"Ooog … what hit me?" Topspin was coming back on-line next to Nightbeat.

"Rocks, most likely," Nightbeat replied.

"What … is Prime doing?" Topspin asked, brushing rockdust off of his teal visor in disbelief.

Prime had gotten the advantage on Brawn. He picked the green and yellow mech up. "A full battle against you might be an interesting contest, Autobot," Prime said, "but I don't have that much time to spare."

"Something … is WRONG with Optimus Prime!" Topspin exclaimed.

"Yes, I've reached that same conclusion," Nightbeat said, as Prime brought Brawn down on top of Wheeljack's launch box.

"So, I'm afraid I'll just have to get you out of the way!" Prime concluded laughingly, picking up the launch box control switch.

"Topspin," Nightbeat said, "get inside. See if you can find any help, to slow Prime down!"

Brawn wasn't able to get up in time. The box went off, sending him flying much farther than Prime's blow had sent him earlier. "I am a leaf on the wind, watch how I soaaarrrr!" Brawn cried, fading into the distance.

"What about you, Nightbeat?" Topspin asked.

"I'm going … to go investigate!" Nightbeat declared, pulling out a notepad.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

The Decepticons were getting a good chuckle out of the battered, beaten, and flying Autobots … except for the Insecticons, who, while amused, were still a little grumpy about everybody else who'd jumped in on their plan, and, well, their not-THAT-large control room. And Starscream, who was being critical.

"Be careful, Megatron!" he admonished. "You almost let it slip that you were pulling Prime's circuits!"

"Relax, you panic-monger!" Megatron, in too good a mood to be irritated by Starscream, replied. "I recovered brilliantly! The Autobots don't suspect a thing!"

"Hmm …" Starscream said dubiously. "Well, they haven't exactly poured out of their base in response to Prime's … acting out," he conceded.

"Yes!" Megatron agreed. "They are too foolishly trusting to monitor each other's activities!" A couple of the Decepticons felt a little more paranoid after processing this statement for a few moments.

"But maybe not too dumb to run for help," Dirge interjected. "Look!"

The monitor showed Topspin starting to make his way into the Ark.

"Ooo!" Thundercracker exclaimed. "Megatron! Can I get this one?"

"…Very well," Megatron said, stepping aside from the control panel.

"All right, Wheeljack," Thundercracker had Optimus say, as he picked up the inert inventor, "let's see if you can make a tackle!" Prime hurled Wheeljack at Topspin, catching him in the back with Wheeljack's shoulders.

"Ooo, what a tough hit!" Thundercracker, and Optimus Prime, said. "Topspin, you got – JACKED UP!" they exclaimed, joined by several other jet 'cons when they realized where Thundercracker was going.

"I don't get it," Megatron said.

Jazz had come out of the Ark in time to see his leader's attack of Topspin with Wheeljack. Pulling his flame thrower out, he ran towards Prime, while surveying the damaged and dazed Autobots, and general mess, around him. "Prime, man, what's goin' on?" he asked concernedly. "You're actin' crazy! B-a-n-a-n-a-s!"

"Prime ain't no Hollaback Girl!" Optimus Prime exclaimed.

As he was instructed to … by … Megatron?

"In my duties studying Earth," Megatron began, in response to the incredulous stares from his fellow Decepticons, "in order to best conquer and plunder it, I sometimes come across …It had a martial beat! It … Nobody questions Megatron!" Megatron finally concluded, shaking his fist threateningly. The Decepticons quickly found other things to occupy their attention.

And were helped by Soundwave's announcement that Buzzsaw's plan was ready to proceed.

"Excellent!" Megatron replied, stepping aside from the mind control panel.

"Buzzsaw, transform!" Soundwave said, opening his chest panel. "Operation: destruction of Optimus Prime!"

"Well, I know that!" Buzzsaw remarked. "It was MY masterstroke, after all!" Nonetheless, the bird-esque Decepticon transformed into cassette mode, taking his place in Soundwave's compartment.

"I demand to know what this 'masterpiece' is, Megatron!" Starscream said, as Soundwave transformed into a Transformer-sized cassette player and connected to the command console.

"Yes, yes, yes!" Shrapnel added. "Us too, too, too!"

"Oh, don't worry," Megatron responded gloatingly. "It is something which will provide a most unique and … appropriate end to our foe. Heh heh ha ha ha!"

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Jazz was still stunned by Prime's proclamation of non-hollabackgirlness, and his subsequent attempt to break his own windshield with Hot Rod's head, when music began playing over the radio in Prime's tractor trailer cab chest. Strings, a choir … and Optimus … singing? Again?

"I believe I can fly," the Autobot leader sang in tune to the music. "I believe I can touch the sky," he proclaimed, waving his arms in the air. "Think about it every night and day, spread my wings and fly away," Optimus continued, as he whacked Jazz with his long armed "wings" as he spun around in a circle.

"Not … my kinda … hit … man …" Jazz groaned, as he passed out.

"I believe I can soar," the mind-controlled Optimus Prime continued, as he turned away from the deactivated Autobots scattered on the ground, and dance/lurched his way toward the Ark. "I can see me runnin' through that open do-oo-or…"


	4. Who'll Believe a Prime Can Fly

So… finally, the conclusion. Actually, I wouldn't be surprised if no one remembers this story after all this time… But, finally done; hope it's enjoyable!

Oh, and there's a bit near the end which was inspired by issue 7 of the Generation 2 comic, albiet with a different character saying it there than here.

& & & & & & & & & &

"So… how's the weather in Madagascar?" Cosmos asked.

"I don't know… warm?" Ultra Magnus, standing next to him in the Autobot Headquarters level one main corridor, replied.

"Is it raining?" Cosmos queried.

"You know, you can just see for yourself, when you launch your surveillance mission."

"Oh," Cosmos replied, chuckling nervously. "Right. So… what did you watch on TV last night?"

"Cosmos…" Ultra Magnus said naggingly. "You really should get going."

"But… but… it's so lonely out there!" Cosmos lamented. "Sometimes, I just can't deal with it, you know?"

"Well…" Magnus began; but his reply was interrupted by a clatter and a… caterwaul?… coming from down the corridor. "What… in the shinning galaxies…"

Suddenly, Optimus Prime rounded the corner. He was damaged, particularly in the face; he was swinging Jetfire around like a blunt instrument; and he was… singing?

"If I can see it, then I can do it," Prime continued, bouncing Jetfire off of walls and the occasional Autobot.

"Op…timus?" Ultra Magnus asked stunnedly.

"Okay, I'm ready to go!" Cosmos declared, transforming into flying saucer mode and flying for the nearest exit.

"Prime, what's… what's wrong?" Ultra Magnus asked, approaching his bizarrely behaving commander.

"I believe I can fly," Prime continued singing, windshield washer fluid from his chest sprayers squirting into Ultra Magnus' optics.

"Oh," Magnus replied, trying to clear his face with his hand as he talked. "We've… all had that problem at one time or another, Prime." Ultra reached out a hand to try to reassuringly pat Optimus on the shoulder.

Optimus grabbed Ultra Magnus and tossed him backwards over his head, never breaking song.

Prowl stepped out into the corridor from the control room. "What's all the racket, I can't hear myself calculate - " he began. "Good Primus!" he exclaimed.

"Prowl!" Ultra Magnus called, scrapping himself off of the floor. "Secure the control room! Prime's… off…"

"I believe I can soar," the Autobot leader sang. "I can see me runnin' through that open do-o-or!"

"Optimus, no!" Ultra Magnus exclaimed. "That door's closed!"

"I believe I can –" KRANG! "fly…" Prime's voice weakened briefly after he jumped through the closed double door, but his song went on.

"Um… oop…" Prowl managed, staring at Prime through the giant opening his body had smashed through the doors.

"Optimus! Prime! Prime!" Ultra Magnus called, running towards the control room. "No, don't spin that!"

"What's going on?" Prowl cried in incredulous confusion.

& & & & & & & & & &

Meanwhile, Nightbeat was trying to determine exactly that.

"Observation log: I am now entering Optimus Prime's quarters," Nightbeat narrated into a handheld cassette recorder (like all Transformers, he was a fan of cassette technology). "My lockpicking kit was in good working order… however, it proved unnecessary, as subject left his door unlocked. Note: this is unusual. Normally, I have to force entry into Prime's room." Nightbeat began feeling the walls over.

"Hello? Optimus Prime?" Perceptor, the Autobot scientist/microscope, entered the room. "I need you to sign this requisition for more microscope slides. Wheeljack absconded with mine for some sort of insane contraption –" Perceptor stopped as he finally noticed that it wasn't Optimus Prime examining the room. "I say… Nightbeat? What are you doing here?" He watched Nightbeat crawling toward Prime's backroom. "Cleaning?"

"Nooo…" Nightbeat said, before pausing to lift his recorder to his mouth again. "A trail of… a dirt-like substance, possibly dirt, appears to be leading from the rear of Prime's quarters. Am following…"

"You're… following dirt? Are you sure you're not cleaning?" Perceptor asked, with some perplexion.

"Side note: Perceptor has entered investigation area," Nightbeat spoke into his recorder, before turning his head toward the other Autobot. "I'm here to investigate Prime's bizarre behavior."

"His… what?"

"You're not the most observant robot, are you?" Nightbeat asked, resuming his crawl across the floor.

"What? Now see here, you – you gummy shoe –" Perceptor began to reply – until Nightbeat's path brought them face-to-face with a tunnel dug through the back of Prime's quarters, leading out into the volcano into which Autobot Headquarters was embedded. "What… on Earth?"

"It appears… to be a hole," Nightbeat replied. "We may have a break in the case!" he announced to his recorder. "If you'd care to transform," he said, returning his attention to Perceptor, "maybe we can get a closer examination!"

"Well… very well. It is frightfully odd," Perceptor acceded, converting into microscope mode.

"A-HA!" Nightbeat exclaimed, moments after focusing Perceptor's lenses on the opening. Lifting his tape recorder again, he declared, "It IS a hole!"

& & & & & & & & & & &

Meanwhile, at the staging base of the hole's makers, the Decepticons were rather amused as Prime's rampage continued.

"Ooh, that'll leave a dent, dent, dent!" Shrapnel exclaimed.

"Yeah – in both of 'em!" Skywarp laughed.

"Heh heh heh," Megatron chuckled. "Excellent work, Buzzsaw! A masterpiece!" Buzzsaw, busy playing the extended-length edit of the song with which Prime was performing along, was unable to reply.

"A masterpiece of a mess," Thundercracker said. "We sure are trashing the place."

"Yes," Megatron agreed amusedly. "However – we can make this even more productive than mere mayhem and destruction! Prime – move towards that computer!"

Through the viewscreen, the Decepticons could see the chaos in the Autobots' control center. Autobots ranged between dazed and offline; equipment was scattered everywhere. And Teletran-1 was sounding an alarm.

"Alert! Alert! Danger! Danger! Optimus Prime is singing and dancing! Code red! Code red! Mayday! Mayday!"

"There's nothing to-o it," Optimus Prime sang, as he grabbed Teletran and threw it up through the hole in the top of the volcano.

"Oh no! Teletran-1!" Ultra Magnus exclaimed.

"We really should plug up that hole sometime," Prowl observed.

"Ha ha ha!" Megatron laughed. "Now we shall have the Autobots' master computer, as well! Retrieve it –"

"Not me!" Starscream exclaimed pre-emptively. "I don't want to miss this!"

"I'm not going, going, going!" Bombshell cried. "It's my cerebro shells which started all this, this, this!"

"Well, we are taping it, it, it," Kickback noted.

"All right, I'll go!" Ramjet said. "It's too crowded in here, anyway! I keep crashing into stuff… accidentally, I mean," he added.

"Excellent!" Megatron said. "Now – dance, Prime! Dance – to your doom! Ha ha hahahaha!"

& & & & & & & & & & &

Ultra Magnus couldn't believe what was happening. Damaged Autobots everywhere. Teletran-1 lost. The control room – really messy. And Optimus wouldn't stop singing.

And – now the emergency alert phone line was ringing? Now what??

"Hello?" he answered, somewhat dazedly.

"Good afternoon, sir or madam," the voice on the other end said. "How are you today?"

"Uhh… I've been better," Magnus replied.

"Oh. Well, I can tell you something that will make you feel better."

"Really?"

"Yes – now you can save more on your long distance!"

"What?" Ultra Magnus asked confusedly.

"Yes, if you'll just switch to MC-"

"I can't DEAL with that now!" Ultra Magnus exclaimed, disconnecting the call.

"Ultra Magnus!" Nightbeat sped into the room, not even coming to a full stop before transforming back to robot mode. "I've been conducting an investigation! I believe – the Insecticons have taken co- "

He was cut off as Optimus Prime hurled himself across the room into him. "I…can fly!" Prime sang.

"Nightbeat!" Prowl called. The blue and yellow robot, dented into the wall, didn't reply. "What about the Insecticons? 'Taken c…c…'"

"Taken – taken coffee? They've taken our energon-coffee maker?" Ultra Magnus exclaimed. "What ELSE can go wrong?"

"I – no, Prime!" Prowl cried. "Stay back!"

Perceptor came running in. "Annoying self-styled sleuth, speeding off like that! I – I…" Perceptor's voice trailed off as he surveyed the damage, the chaos, the singing Autobot leader attempting to dribble Prowl like a basketball. "I… think I'll just come back in a few astro-minutes," he said, backing away – and then flying backwards, as Prowl was hurled into him.

"I believe I can touch the sky," Prime continued, jumping up and down with his arms upstretched.

The doors on the other side of the room opened. "Who dares interrupt Grimlock's TV reception?" Grimlock exclaimed angrily. "Me Grimlock was watching big sports match –" He stopped at the sight of Optimus Prime jumping, twirling, and trying to carry a tune.

"Ughh… Prime singing _again_?" Grimlock said. "Bah! Dinobots – to sports bar!" He walked back out.

"No – Grimlock, wait!" Ultra Magnus called after him. But, then the emergency phone line started ringing again. "Oh no." Reluctantly, Ultra returned to the console. "Hello?"

"Hello, sir or madam," the same telephone solicitor from the earlier call said. "How are you this afternoon?"

"I…"

"Oh good. How would you like the opportunity to change your long-distance plan?"

"Ahh…" Ultra Magnus pulled out his laser pistol and blasted the console. "It was a boring conversation, anyway!"

Looking back towards the room, Magnus saw that Optimus, while still performing R. Kelly, was at least headed out of the control room, through the doorway Grimlock had used earlier. "Well, at least that door's open," he said.

"Jump spread-eagle through that open door-or-or," Prime sang, as he leapt through the doorway. His singing continued, though in a weaker-sounding voice, as he continued down the corridor.

Magnus stopped for a moment, at the sight of the snow angel-like outline of Optimus Prime left in the doorframe. "Prime!" he called. "Stop! Come back!"

Optimus made his way out of the Ark. Ironhide had regained consciousness, and pulled himself nearly upright. "Some… leakin' lubricants… should… cool you off," he said unsteadily.

Prime ignored Ironhide, and the other damaged and incapacitated Autobots still strewn outside. The music coming from his cab-chest's speaker was building to a crescendo. He stumbled away… towards the cliff.

"Optimus! No!" Ultra Magnus had emerged from the Ark.

"I… can fly!" Optimus sang.

"No! No, not really!" Magnus began to run towards his leader.

One Autobot remained between Prime and the cliff: Hot Rod, still doubled over. "I… can fly!" Prime continued, as he picked up the prone robot, and kicked him into Ultra Magnus.

Magnus, in full run, was caught full-on. "Out of the way, Hot Rod!" he cried exasperatedly.

But… it was too late.

Optimus Prime jumped.

"Liquid… hydrogen!" Ironhide exclaimed, a bit dazedly.

"Fly! Fly! Fly!" Prime sang.

The chorus on his radio could be heard concluding "Ummm, Ummm, Um –" until it was cut off, replaced by the sound of a loud, metal-crushing crash.

The Decepticons cheered as the signal feed from Optimus Prime changed to static. "Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!" Megatron laughed triumphantly. "Optimus Prime has been destroyed! Excellent work, my Decepticons! Excellent! And now, to celebrate – let's go steal energy from a nuclear power plant!"

The Decepticons' cheering died down; some groaned a bit.

"…In Hawaii!" Megatron concluded.

"Yay!" the Decepticons cheered – except for the Insecticons, who cried "Yay, yay, yay!"

Back at Autobot Headquarters, those Autobots who had come online and were reasonably ambulatory had made their way down the cliffside to their fallen leader. His battered body lay face down in the sandy ground.

"Prime…" Ultra Magnus managed.

"Aw, Prime," Ironhide said. "Leakin'… hydrogen!"

"Hey," Wheeljack said. He picked up a small, crushed bit of metal. "A cerebro shell! I… was Prime under mental control?"

"That's… what I was trying… to say!" Nightbeat, still at the top of the cliff, as he was still partly imbedded in a console, called down.

"Oh," Ultra Magnus said.

"I… guess we have to determine who… our next leader will be?" Prowl said reluctantly. The Autobots exchanged uncomfortable looks.

"Gguuuh," Hot Rod, crawling slowly, said, raising his arm a little.

"No!" several Autobots cried.

"Rrrrrrr…"

"What's that?" Prowl asked.

"It… sounds like 'rrrr'," Nightbeat observed.

"Rrrrr…"

Wheeljack made an inarticulate cry. "Optimus!"

"He's alive!" Prowl exclaimed.

"Holy hot sauce!" Jazz exclaimed.

"Rrrrrrr…" Prime continued.

"'Repair?'" Magnus guessed.

"Rrrrrrrr…"

"'Ratchet'?" Nightbeat hypothesized.

"Rrrrrrrrr…"

" 'Routabegga?' " Wheeljack asked.

"Rrrrrrrrrevenge!" Optimus Prime cried, raising his chest slightly out of the ground.

"Liquid lubricants!" Ironhide exclaimed.

& & & & & & & & & & &

Two weeks later…

"This… will not… stop… Megatron!" Megatron exclaimed.

"Uh-oh, Jazz!" Prowl said. "He's trying to fight it off again!"

"No prob, man!" Jazz replied. "I'll just shoot him up with another shell!" He pointed the car-sized insect-mode Bombshell at Megatron. "It's real convenient he shoots these things out when he's squeezed, like one of them water-squirtin' bug toys!"

"Mm-hmm," Prowl agreed, as Jazz fired another cerebro round into Megatron.

"That's better," Wheeljack said.

"Good work," Optimus Prime, using a crutch, with his other shoulder bound to his side and a large metal patch covering his dented-in faceplate, said. "Now, what are these other Decepticons doing?"

"Getting' a little culture, man!" Jazz replied. He led Prime to the other part of the large staging room in the Decepticon base. "A lotta a them Earth kids learn this in school! They call it… square dancing!"

Shrapnel, Kickback, Thundercracker, Skywarp, Ramjet, Thrust, and Dirge were all dancing a cerebro-shell enforced square dance. None seemed exactly happy about it.

"Yeah, square's a good name for it," Jazz remarked quietly.

"A-heh-heh-heh!" Ironhide chuckled. "Go, ya funky metal bandits!"

"Uh! Uhh! Make…it…stop!" Soundwave, forced to play the hoe down music in tape player mode, moaned. The deep-throated groaning of Buzzsaw could also occasionally be heard, forced out despite being the cassette carrying the music.

"Ain't no liquid nitrogen gonna cool _you _off!" Ironhide said.

"Ha ha! Ha ha ha ha!" Optimus Prime laughed. He began to walk back towards Wheeljack's work.

"Hypothesis: my gun arm's nozzle is stuck over my eye/nose/mouth thingy!" Shockwave exclaimed, stumbling slightly as he struggled with the problem. "Declaration: I would never call my dedicated sensor an 'eye/nose/mouth thingy'!" he cried indignantly. "Hypothesis: an Autobot made me say that!"

"Heh heh heh," Grimlock chuckled.

"Interrogative: why have I been injected with a cerebro shell? Declaration: I was not even part of the group which controlled Optimus Prime!"

"Too bad, so sad," Grimlock remarked, as Shockwave walked into a wall.

Prime had reached Wheeljack's side. Megatron and Starscream had been placed inside of a roped-off, square area.

"Okay… just about set… there!" he said.

"So, how does it work?" Optimus asked.

"You just take these controls, Prime," Wheeljack said, handing his leader a pair of very large control sticks. "Ya move 'em around with these – " Starscream and Megatron each shifted a little in correspondence to the controls. "And this – " Wheeljack continued, as he pointed at the large button on top of Megatron's stick, "makes 'em punch!" He pushed down on the button, and Megatron punched Starscream in the face.

"Ha ha! Ha ha ha ha!" Optimus laughed. He made Megatron punch Starscream again.

"Real rock 'em sock 'em action, huh, boss?" Wheeljack asked.

"Yes! Ha ha ha ha!" Optimus laughed, as he commanded Starscream to hit Megatron.

"Yeh, these cerebro shells are sumthin', huh?" Ironhide asked, as he came up to Prime's side. "Ahm… sorry, Prime. That we didn't figger out sooner whut the Decepticons'd done ta ya."

"Mmm," Prime grumbled.

"Ah shoulda known, th' second ah saw ya singin' and dancin' ta that Madonna song!" Ironhide continued. "You never woulda done that if ya were yerself!"

"Er… yes," Prime chuckled nervously, not making optic-contact with Ironhide. "Yes… never…heh heh…"

"Nightbeat deduced it," Prowl remarked. "That kind of detective ability is why he's gotten his new assignment: trying to figure whatever on Earth happened to Spike."

"Good luck with that," Wheeljack remarked. "Think I'm gonna hafta invent a tiny-sized funeral ship…" he muttered to himself.

"Autobots!" Megatron exclaimed from the ring. "This will not hold us forever! And one day, Prime, I'll see you in this squared circle!"

"We'll see, Megatron," Prime replied.

"I shall be… avenged!" Megatron declared. "We will rise… again! I… will… return! One small boy stood between me and mastery of – no, wait, that one's inapplicable. We – ugh!" Megatron was cut off, as Starscream punched him in the stomach.

"Sorry, Megatron!" Starscream said insincerely. "The Autobots made me do it! Heh heh heh!"

"Well, they aren't making me do – this!" Megatron exclaimed, as he grabbed Starscream's throat.

"Acck!" Starscream cried.

Megatron only crushed his neck for a few moments, however, before Optimus had reclaimed the boxing controls. Playing with both joysticks at once, he forced Megatron and Starscream to pummel each other, and occasionally themselves.

"Stop hitting yourselves! Stop hitting yourselves! Ha ha ha ha!" Optimus Prime laughed.


End file.
